a few quotes about life

[sparky241]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who diedpeacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all thepassengers in his car."
--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and youget a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that.It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it'snot a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked intodoing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly balland saving an infant's life, she will choose to save theinfant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, andwe should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriendwants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.There should be severance pay, the day before they leaveyou, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone tookher out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to theauthors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'mhalfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch ofpeople in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crimeand the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all theimpersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that incase of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file linefrom smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were amember of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown


18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,and the dog will give you a look that says,'My God, you're right!I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in somethingI believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields