INGO: Joke of the day page

[other dave]

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know sh*t?"


And then she went back to reading her book.

 

[halfmileharry]

Down on the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story??
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)


When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

 

[other dave]

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Joplin, Mo, Police Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Riverton, KS. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

 

[ZombieApocolypse]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:​

"If you aresleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!​

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, ​

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."​

 

[sharkey]

How do you know when to replace your drum machine?



When it says, "Hey guys! I wrote a song."

 

[Roadie]

 

[Pete]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....

"Pepe... Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....


Ees.....

Ees....

Ees....

Ees...

Ees....

Ees..... a ham bush...."


SORRY. I know there's something wrong with me for posting this. Just couldn't help it! Little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn't you - I know you did!
You are grinning.....aren't you! Hehehe.......

 

[Sgtusmc]

One for the kids:

How do you catch a polar bear?

First cut a hole in the ice.
Then surround the hole with peas.
When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

 

[sharkey]

An HR manager at a popular firm needed to fill a sales and customer service position, and advertised for applicants. Several promising resumes were received, and interview were scheduled. To keep time well managed, allow plenty of time with each applicant and give due consideration to each, he only slotted three applicants a day into his schedule for a second interview.

On the first day of called-back interviewees, he sat down with the day's first appointment. He noticed that the young man could keep from staring at the HR manager's ears (which were non-existant, having been lost in a car fire during his teenage years, they were simple holes in the side of his head. ) His first question to the applicant was, "If you met me at a customer conference, what would the first thing you notice about be?"

The applicant answered, "You don't have any ears!" and was thanked for his time and sent on his way.

The second applicant of the day, a young lady, was ushered into the conference room. She seemed to want to stare at the floor, and faced the same question. Her answer, "I think you are deaf, because you're ears are gone."

She was sent on her way.

The third applicant was not quite so young, a man about 30 years old with prior experience in sales. He granted constant eye contact with the HR manager and did not act gawky or self-conscious. He was asked the same question.

"Well, the first thing I would think of, is 'do you wear contacts?'"

The HR manager was taken aback at the unexpected question, and answered "Yes I do. What makes you think that?"

The applicant answered, "Because you ain't got no ****ing ears!"

 

[Sgtusmc]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in an...d get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

 

[hornadylnl]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in an...d get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

If your wife is anything like mine, you could accomplish all those things in one visit.

 

[other dave]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in an...d get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

NOT A JOKE BUT FUNNY! A buddy of mine went shopping with his wife at Carson's, Nordstrom's, or a similar department store. He was asked to leave and not come back for making out with one of the mannequins!

 

[Roadie]

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says,
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

 

[mbills2223]

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says,
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

Not bad.

 

[Roadie]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."

 

[other dave]

"Post Turtle''

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a** put him up there to begin with."






Best explanation I've heard yet.

 

[N8RV]

Old guy walks into a bar late into the evening and sees a rather stout girl dancing on a table. He looks at her and says, "Nice legs."

She looks down, giggles, and replies, "You really think so?"

He looks at the table and says, "Yup. Most tables would have collapsed by now."

And women say that we're not observant.

 

[Bill of Rights]

A reporter goes to do a story on prison conditions. As he's sitting at the table in the cafeteria with the prisoners, interviewing some, a man at another table stands up and in a loud voice, exclaims,

"34!"

and the room, including the guards, breaks into laughter. He sat, puzzled, for a moment, and continued his interview. A few minutes later, another man on the other side of the room did the same thing, except that his number was,

"83!"

After the laughter died down, the reporter asked the closest convict,

"OK, so what's up with the numbers?"

"Well, you see, we've all been here for many years, and we've all heard all the prison jokes, so we took advantage of having nothing but time on our hands and we numbered them all. No one has to tell the whole joke anymore, just the number."

The reporter blinks for a moment, then smiles,

"That's ingenious! May I try?"

The con nods,

"Sure, go ahead."

The reporter clears his throat, stands up, and in his best broadcast voice, announces,

"61!"

The room is dead silent. Everyone stares at the man and he quickly sits back down.

Crestfallen, he looks at his interview subjects and asks,

"I don't understand; what did I do wrong?"

One of the other cons shakes his head sadly and answers,

(wait for it...)




(wait for it...)






(wait for... aw, hell with it!)
"Don't beat yourself up. Some people can tell a joke, some people can't."

 

[steve666]

NOT A JOKE BUT FUNNY! A buddy of mine went shopping with his wife at Carson's, Nordstrom's, or a similar department store. He was asked to leave and not come back for making out with one of the mannequins!

Also true and funny - A few years ago a buddy and I were out Christmas shopping and stopped in this little store. While walking down the toy aisle, checking out the merchandise we came across a Xena, Warrior Princess action figure. I proceeded to point and exclaim in a loud voice, "Look, it's S&M Barbie!" While we got some pretty nasty looks there was no one there with the cojones to ask us to leave.
Later in that same trip we were at Peddlers Mall flea market where I proceeded to position the pig figurines at one booth in interesting positions (can you say "Makin' Bacon?"

 

[N8RV]

Same old guy sitting at a bar is approached by a somewhat attractive, younger woman. She sits down next to him, looks him over and says, "You know, if you lost some weight, got a haircut and maybe a shave, you wouldn't be so bad."

He takes a swig of his beer, looks her over and replies, "Well, if I did all that ... I'd be over there talking with your friends instead of wasting my time with you."