Life advice

[thekicks6]

Hey guys. My name is Grant Springer, I'm 16 and I live in Northern Indiana. I need some advice regarding my half brother. When I was about 1 year old my parents got divorced due to my fathers severe alcoholism. About 10 years later I talked to him for the first time and have seen him about 3 times since then. Recently my father remarried and his wife gave birth to my half brother. Supposedly my father has recently quit drinking. I would like to be a part of my little brothers life but I'm not sure. If you could give me any insight on the subject I would surely appreciate it. Thanks Guys.

 

[bobbittle]

Call him up and ask. Does he acknowledge he had(has) a drinking problem? Ask him flat out if he's sober.

 

[mcolford]

Shoot him an email maybe? Ask if he would like to meet for lunch or something (in public)..... Try to build from there..

 

[thekicks6]

I'm going to ask him. I would really like to be involved in my little bros life but I'm not sure if I should intercede. My dads wife asked me to come over and see the kid but at the time they were both drinking and supposedly were also on drugs. Now supposed neither of them drink or do narcotics. so I'm not sure

 

[Bunnykid68]

That is a tough one. Talk to the adults that you currently live with and see what they have to say

 

[Mrs Evilwrench]

Go for it. My son has a sister (they have the same father) and they have a really great relationship, even though the father isn't involved in my son's life (his choice, not ours). She is considerably older than he is, but they adore each other, even having been raised in two different homes. Talk to the adults in your life. Your presence won't matter much to the baby now, but it will in a couple of years, and your lives will be the richer for your interest in your brother. Good luck!

 

[IndyDave1776]

Grant, the most important thing I would recommend is that you be careful that you do not develop any particular expectations. It may or may not work out, and if you let yourself operate on the expectation that all is going to work out just right, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Conversely, if you approach the situation expecting the worst, you are likely going to live out a self-fulfilling prophesy by sabotaging the effort with low expectations--if you go in expecting failure, you are almost certain to get it.

Your father may or may not be sober and/or tolerable.

His present wife may or may not accept your presence.

The young half-brother in due time may or may not accept you, heavily dependent upon what he is taught. I have a half-sister (from my mom's second marriage) with whom I grew up, but the situation was such that I was, in a matter of speaking, third favorite out of two--a lesson she took to heart and consequently has less regard for me than for the mud she scrapes off the bottoms of her shoes. On the other hand, I enjoy good relationships with the three half-brothers from my dad's second marriage, the youngest of which I trust far enough that my will simply authorizes him to deal with my estate as he sees fit.

The bottom line is that this situation is remarkably similar to Forrest Gump's box of chocolates--and you really will not know what you are going to get. You also have to be prepared for the possibility that it could change significantly over time, and may swing back and forth changing several times. You really are dealing from a deck full of wild cards.

The most important thing is that you do what is right to the best of your ability and accept that the situation is beyond your control. You may be able to influence it, hopefully for the better, but you cannot control it and more important, you cannot own responsibility for it as it is largely the product of the choices of others.

I wish you well in your effort to get to know your young half-brother. One thing I can assure you is that you will never regret making the effort. Even if it goes sour, you can rest knowing that you did what you could.

 

[thekicks6]

Thanks for the advice. I'm really going to have to consider the situation you've laid out.

 

[tnrick55]

YOU won't know till you try and the question will always be on your mind.

 

[Suprtek]

It's tough to offer advice in a situation like this. It's nearly impossible to articulate all the variables in a forum such as this. I can somewhat relate to your situation but not exactly. I am the only child of my mother's first marriage. However I have had no interaction with my bio-father since I was a toddler. My mom remarried when I was still very young. Although I kept my own last name, I was raised and treated no differently than any of the other kids in the house. Because of this, I never once felt my life lacked anything due to the absence of my bio-father or any of his side of the family.

To this day (I'm 45) I still don't know anything about him. I will say that there were many times when I had some curiosity about him and his family. Notice I referred to them as his family, not my own. I hold no malice toward any of them. I simply feel no connection with them. My curiosity was just that, curiosity, not desire. Your situation is very different in that you have an existing relationship with those involved.

All this being said, I can tell you the reason I never pursued any of that curiosity. It was because of my mom. She was always very open with me about what happened and never tried to hide anything from me. However, it was obvious she did not enjoy the discussion and had no desire whatsoever to ever deal with that part of her life ever again. If I would have pursued it just out of my own curiosity, I would have been forcing her to deal with something that had the potential of making her very unhappy.

With my own life lacking nothing that I was aware of, I could not risk the happiness of my mother or the rest of my family for my own curiosity.

As I said, your situation is obviously very different. However, it is still very likely that any decision you make will also affect people close to you other than yourself. Whether or not that should stop you from pursuing further contact with this part of your family is not something I can even try to answer for you.

Please don't take anything I've said as accusing you of being selfish. If you weren't concerned, you wouldn't have asked the question. Just know your decisions in this matter will reach out to others in ways you may not yet be aware. Whatever you decide, the best advice I can offer is to take it slow and avoid getting into anything to deep too quickly. Best of luck to you my friend.